I finally nailed down the common denominator at the base of my recent frustration and dissatisfaction with a certain organization and involvement there within; its a loss of faith. In the face of a lack of consistency, contradiction, bias and an overwhelming degree of general chaos, I have lost the faith necessary to allow myself to trust in their endeavors.
This single but crucial affecter has caused me to approach all their endeavors with an overwhelming sense of caution and hesitance. In my opinion, time and time again perfectly hopeful seeming undertakings have almost universally been tainted by the aforementioned problems, to the point where I am preemptively reacting with prudence above and beyond the norm. Most troubling, is the fact that this set of events comes at a time when I’d only just begun to begin attempting to enjoy those facets of their operation that inherently rely on that trust.
The solution, while regrettable, is clear. If I’m going to continue this relationship with any hope of civility and enjoyment, I’m going to have excise and avoid those aspects of the organization that accentuate that lack of consistency, contradiction, bias and an overwhelming degree of general chaos. While it may mean a more independent and less immerse experience, at least it will be one un-endangered by the inevitable conflict resulting from those shortcomings.
I’m no longer interested in participating in plots, adventures, mysteries, politics, intrigue or the like, because frankly, those elements rely on a faith and trust that is no longer present. Its my sincere hope that I can simply play my character and interact with my friends and peers below the radar of the “grand scheme”. However, I’m starting to have my doubts about even that. I suspect that the inevitable grudges and backlash of my attempts at constructive criticism will be fatal, not only to my character but to my future with the organization. Not much to do, however, but wait and see. I don’t have any olive branches left and if I did, I rather doubt I’d have the spirit left to offer them. I leave that decision and the inevitable consequences in their hands at this point. My life and my joy are too high a price to ask for a hobby and supposed recreation.