10_rules.jpgThese are highly opinionated. I assure you that they were not delivered to me on a set of stone (or gold) tablets. No vegetation caught on fire during the course of their construction and they are backed by no legistlative body that I am aware of. They may indeed be published somewhere obscure or not so obscure.

1) Elevators… Let everyone off BEFORE trying to get on. If you are one of the last stops in the direction the elevator is currently heading, stand in the back of the elevator.

2) Buses & Trains… Same as elevators, let people exit before trying to board. If you’re a healthy adult, you give your seat up to the elderly, infirm, pregnant, young children and mothers with babies. If you are a man and aren’t afraid of the occasional sexist lecture, offer your seat to ladies in general.

3) Hallways, stairwells and sidewalks… It works just like roads, people. Walk on the right hand side and give way to oncoming people by veering right. If more people did this, things would go smoother and there’d be no more Leftie/Rightie dance.

4) Only touch the piece(s) of bread you’re going to eat when sticking your hand in the breadbox or bag. You’ll be amazed how much longer your bread goes without transforming into a ball of mold. The same principle may work for cheese, but no piece of cheese in my possession has lasted long enough for a conclusion observation.

5) There is no rational reason to keep the tap running when you’re brushing your teeth or shaving. Come on, you only need water to rinse and wash. The rest of the time you’re just wasting water. Use a drinking glass or fill the sink with hot water if you prefer. I know for a fact that one of you is shaking your head vigorously in agreement at this very moment.

6) Apologies are nice, they are often constructed of pleasing phrases and words which create a feeling of goodwill and the desire for forgiveness. Apologies are not recompense, however. Saying “sorry” no matter how sincerely expressed or emotionally embelished is not synonymous with correcting a wrong and setting a transgression straight with action and not repeating the offense. Apologies are strongest when used in conjunction with tangible acts of atonement. No better example of this exists than the Hallmark apology series of cards.

7) The Turn Signal. In this day an age, these lights are standard equipment, though you might not guess it from many drivers. The turn signal is intended to alert other drivers of your intention to turn or change lanes… It is NOT a tractor-beam that will magically make other drivers yield, nor will is it an excuse to lunge into a lane and/or sideswipe someone. If you need to get over in slow moving, heavy traffic, appeal directly to the adjacent driver; ask or indicate your desire to merge (smiling helps, vigorous hand gestures don’t). Correlary: Don’t blindly trust turn signals at in intersection, eventually an oncoming driver will NOT turn and plow into you instead.

8) As a rule men who do not reminesce fondly about the communual restroom experience of high school and the military do not enjoy toilet banter. You are under no obligation to strike up a conversation with the guy at the adjacent urinal. Under NO circumstances are you to to comment on the properties of his “business” unless it is directly interferring with your business (Been drinking your 8 glass, have you?). I cannot speak on behalf of women as not one in their right mind would enter a men’s bathroom considering the differences in cleanliness and hygiene of our respective restrooms.

9) Unless you are an astronaut, deep sea diver or Emperor penguin, you are unlikely to ever be far from a trash recipticle in your day to day routine. Additionally, there is no reason that piece of trash has to be out of your car this very minute. For the love of god, use trash cans. On the occasion there are no trash recepticles, all the more reason to hang on to your trash until you are near one. Egyptian quarry teams moved 20 ton blocks of stone with sheer manpower, I’m sure you can manage to emulate the feat with your Cola bottle over the distance of a few yards.

10) It is one of the great failures of Western/European culture that there is no simple, widespread phrase to express concern over the hiccuping of a fellow human being. Apparently sneezing alone has earned this right after sneezing, fleas and rats brought about a series of plagues which reduced our ancestor’s population to ~8 people repeatedly through the Middle Ages. So until the Great Hiccuping Death strikes, we have only ackwardly phrased well wishes or silence.